We caught up with the leader of the American chapter, Hal Roach, as he emerged from a foraging expedition beneath a kitchen sink in Plano, Texas. He agreed to answer a few questions on the record.
Waldenswimmer: Hal, what's up with the insect PAC? What motivated you?
Roach: Wally, the thing is that McCain has really fired up the base, and when I say base, I'm talking baseboard. This selection of Sarah Palin was pure genius.
WS: How so? Have you heard her talk? She's hopelessly inexperienced and unqualified.
Roach: And your point is? No, look. We've enjoyed our time with you on Earth, we really have. I mean, you treat us like low life, but in general we've got a good thing going with you. You're wasteful, sloppy, you throw tons of stuff away, which is right up our alley, and when I say alley...
WS: Yeah, I get it. None of that's likely to change, is it? Why the partisanship?
Roach: It's our shot, that's all. Why don't we just let it go at that?
WS: You're being awfully mysterious.
Roach: I'm a cockroach, Dude. We own the night.
WS: Still, I'm not following.
Roach: (sighs [I think -WS]) Look, you've come close before. Reagan, W. Bush. I mean, Bush. That was hilarious. But he was actually pretty good natured. He only demolished countries that couldn't fight back. There was no future in that. What I mean is, there was a future in that. He wanted to be Vladimir Putin's pal, at the ranch, up in Maine. They carried on like a couple of school buddies.
WS: Really?
Roach: I was there, Dude. Terrrific garbage, by the way. So us Blattarians had just about given up hope for a nuclear war. Then...magic. The Republicans nominate an angry ex-pilot with a short life expectancy and he picks this End Times cupcake. And the next thing you know they're both talking out loud about a war with Russia. And you know what that means?
WS: Radiation.
Roach: Bingo. Fiesta Periplaneta, baby.
WS: It's a myth you'd survive.
Roach: Don't you wish, Dude. No, it's the real deal. It's because we only do mitosis when we molt, which is about once a week, and that's when the radiation can get to you. So a lot of us will buy it. But it's a numbers game, man, and numbers we got. We won't all be molting at the same time.
WS: You've given this a lot of thought.
Roach: It's a serious issue. Life and death, something you guys never think about. Hey, you know the difference between a hockey mom and a cockroach?
WS: I don't feel like joking around.
Roach: Sorry, man.
WS: Why did you come up with something this...evil, Hal?
Roach: Us? Who came up with Terminix, Dude? Give me a frigging break.
WS: So that's it, huh? No talking you out of it?
Roach: 'Fraid not. Listen, I gotta skitter. Buncha battleground states to hit.
WS: Your own Southern Strategy?
Roach: Prime cockroach country, Dude.
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(with thanks to Dan D.)
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