The Immigration Battle, Deconstructed

Before we get too far along doing really ugly and unnecessary things, like building "3-phase" walls and starting a run on the concertina wire market, let us pause and consider the nature of the immigration problem in realistic terms.

1. The Liberal Position. Liberals have a terrifying fear of ever doing anything which seems mean, such as sending 11 million people "home" or denying anyone American citizenship, especially neighbors who have violated the law and have waited patiently for the inevitable American response, which is an admission we can never do anything mean.

2. The Conservative Position, Variation 1. The first variation of the conservative position is to supply America's businesses, including agri-business with non-organized, cheap labor which can be mercilessly exploited.

3. The Conservative Position, Variation 2. The second variation of the conservative position is simpler than the first. This position is that if we're going to have a lot of additional, highly fecund people living in the Southwest and elsewhere, we don't want them to be brown and poorly educated.

In support of the various "positions," the usual chestnuts are tossed on the fire. Such as, we're a "nation of immigrants." While true, this is a quality we share with virtually every country on Earth, other than perhaps a small region in what is now modern day Ethiopia. This conclusion seems compelled by the remarkable genetic science discussed in Spencer Wells's The Journey of Man, which recounts the haplogroup markers found in female mitochondria, and lead back to African Eve, great-grandmother (to the nth) of us all.

Or: raise the minimum wage, and Americans will do the work the Mexicans and Guatemalans do now. First - no we won't. Second - the illegals make easy multiples of the existing minimum wage.

Finally: we have to seal the border, because terrorists are pouring across the border all day long. We have to know "who these people are, and bring them in from the shadows." The terrorists are not pouring across the Mexican border. They're flying into U.S. airports using visitor's visas, just like the good old days. And no terrorist we need to worry about is going to come in "out of the shadows" so he can be an American citizen for the week or two he's alive before blowing himself up.

The one solution which neatly addresses all legitimate concerns with the least expense is obvious. Do nothing. Don't build an ugly wall, and don't grant citizenship to people who did not enter the U.S. through the existing immigration system.

The beauty of this system is that it's a proven winner for everyone. Businesses still hold their exploitative leverage, since the workers have no rights. The labor is cheap and abundant, and obviously satisfactory to the illegals who flock here to find it. The numbers are self-regulating, since only those who can find work will sneak in and stay. It's a "comprehensive" solution, and easy to administer, since it isn't. It frees up the Senate to take on more pressing matters, such as flag burning and gay marriage. Indeed, the farther away we keep Congress from matters of real consequence, the better for everyone.