Minutemen, PVS patients surround Nation's Capitol

Washington (AP)-

In a desperate attempt to attract the attention of the nation's lawmakers, activists disguised as Southern Border Minutemen wheeled dozens of activists disguised as Persistent Vegetative State patients into formation encircling the nation's Capitol. A broad coalition of public interest groups under the umbrella name "What About Us?" devised the scheme as a last-chance effort to convince the House and Senate that it should devote some of its legislative efforts into something other than improving Iraq's chances for democracy, Mexico's employment problems or the ongoing tragedy of the terminally brain dead.

"We think America has some real issues," said Brady Perkins, coordinator of the event, peering out from beneath the brim of his trucker's cap, his .30-.06 resting on his shoulder (safety on, no bullets). "For example, the minimum wage has not been raised since 1996, 45 million Americans have no health coverage, the nation's public schools are crumbling, the national debt is at 8 trillion, the annual federal defiict is over $400 billion, the trade deficit is approaching $1 trillion annually, Congress has no plan to repay the Social Security Trust Fund for all the money it's stolen over the years, Medicare is headed for insolvency, the global warming problem is getting worse with no leadership from Washington, the nation will need a new transportation plan with gas prices going through the roof, and the real standard of living in the United States has been going downhill since 1973."

Perkins paused to take a breath, mopping his bronzed forehead with a red bandana. The bandana came away with a bronze stain. "Makeup," he admitted. "We realize our plan is a little derivative, but we noticed Congress reacts to whatever's playing on evening cable news. We thought about including some lacrosse rape victims and abducted Aruba coeds, but hey, we don't wanna turn this thing into a circus."

Asked why he thought Congress was so reluctant to do anything whatsoever about such a formidable list of real problems for average Americans, Perkins turned philosophical. "We're not where the action is. Stories about how people make a living, put food on the table, take care of their kids lack that prime-time punchiness that makes for high-profile legislation. It just doesn't play on C-Span. Plus, with America's disintegrating middle class, a lot of us are just not in a position to buy Congressmen."

And if this last-ditch effort to get some action doesn't work? "Well," Perkins began slowly. "We ARE already here. We do have 'em surrounded. And we've got these guns..."