Please, Mr. President, Stop. I can't take it anymore

"As the horror of that morning grows more distant, there is a tendency to believe the threat is receding and this war is coming to a close. That feeling is natural and comforting - and wrong. If we give up the fight in the streets of Baghdad, we will face the terrorists in the streets of our own cities." President George W. Bush, before the American Legion convention in Salt Lake City, August 31, 2006.

Okay, I'm scared. Please stop talking about the suiciders, the evil-doers and the haters of freedom. They're ruining my sleep. I'll tell you how bad this has gotten, with your constant reminders, your obsessive evocation of all these nightmarish characters wearing Bedouin Ninja outifts and leaping out from behind parked cars.

I'm thinking we should just leave Baghdad. Right now. Then, as you say, the terrorists will follow us over here. This would be good for two reasons. First, it's not fair that only our soldiers should get blown up in an endless, pointless war. We should all get blown up once in a while. Second, at least we'll see them and have a clear shot at them. The way it is, with you warning us every single day how much trouble we're in, but nothing ever happening, I'm a nervous wreck. I'm sick with worry. It's like we're all in a machine gun nest in a World War II movie, and we know the Japanese invasion is coming, and we're tense as hell, and we hear them talking out there in the jungle in that incomprehensible jabbering -- but we can't see them!

It's like that, you know? You're almost relieved when the attack comes, it becomes more of an even fight. I would rather take on a few Jihadis on my way down to the local upscale market. Hey, the suburbanites around here are locked and loaded, W. Most of them cruise the streets in SUVs with the heft and menace of a Humvee. Not up-armored, maybe, but I understand a lot of the American military isn't either. We can take 'em, once they're in the streets here, just like you say they'll be. They'll be obvious here, too, not like in Baghdad, where they just look like...well, like all the other Arabs. An Arab here in Marin County wearing a feyadeen costume, all black, with an RPG strapped to his shoulder...you think we won't notice? We'll pick him out in a minute.

I'd feel safer on an airplane then, too. Knowing they're in the streets, out in the open, instead of, say, in seat 14B. They won't need subterfuge once they're right out in the streets in a fair fight, right here in America.

So let 'em follow us, W! Taunt them with a sudden withdrawal! Leave Baghdad in a huff! You know: bring 'em on!