Bees in the trees seem to whisper disease

Joe DeRisi, a biochemist at the University of California's Mission Bay lab, has set the entomological world buzzing with a possible breakthrough in the mystery of Colony Collapse Disorder, that apian plague which is threatening to wipe out (a) the bee, and then (bee) us. DeRisi won a MacArthur Genius Award for his work in discovering the role of coronavirus in SARS. Naturally, the work of this too-smart interloper has gotten under the skin of the "government 'scientists'" at the Department of Agriculture, including the leading light in the Dept. of Ag's Plant Sciences Institute, entomologist Jeffrey Pettis. Taking a break from another PowerPoint presentation by a Karl Rove aide on ways to distort apiculture to assist Republican Congressional candidates (a standard agenda item, apparently, for all government agencies operating under Bush's control), Pettis had this to sniff about DeRisi's work, according to today's SF Chronicle: "Pettis said the parasite could simply be taking advantage of a newly developed weakness in the insects' immune systems. 'Mostly we think of Nosema as a stress disorder of honeybees,'' he said. It is possible that a more virulent strain of Nosema ceranae has evolved in the United States, but Pettis doubts it. 'We can't rule it out completely,'' he said.

DeRisi used a "shotgun sequencing" technique to analyze samples provided by the government, one of the genomic approaches he used in his SARS work. Irritatingly, DeRisi has become known as a "rapid identifier" of killer germs, even though he's not a real entomologist like the government "scientists," which makes him almost impossible to put up with. He could give the real apiary guys...hives. Okay, let that go. Yet his genetic work found that the dead bees were loaded up with sequences of microbe which matched Nosema ceranae. Which sounds promising, but Pettis pointed out that Nosema has been around "since the mid-1990's," predating the mass die-off. So it can't be the Nosema...unless it has evolved. Now how in the world would a microbe evolve in as little as 10 or 12 years? What's the gestation period for a germ like that...9 months, right? And since they're not supposed to have sex with another microbe, or with themselves, or however the hell they do it, until they're married (God, I hope they're clear about the sex of the other microbe they're doing it with), it's going to take a helluva lot longer than that.

Pettis can't rule it out "completely" because his ultimate boss, the incomparable George W. Bush, admits that the jury is still out on evolution. (As Lewis Black said in a Black on Black segment: "What jury? Where are they out?") So it's possible the microbes "evolved" into a form that is killing bees, which might account for the heavy presence of Nosema ceranae in all those dead bees Joe DeRisi was analyzing. An alternative theory, proposed by Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, in a press release coordinated with the Department of Agriculture (as ghost-written by the Karl Rove aide finishing up the PowerPoint presentation on ways to use Colony Collapse Disorder to elect Republican congressmen [particularly in Utah, the "Beehive State"]), is the waning influence of Christianity among bee populations. "These godless insects have invited the wrath of the Almighty," Robertson warbled during a prayer breakfast at the Maryland office of the Dept. of Ag, where Honey Bunches O' Oats were served. Large numbers of Muslim and Jewish bees have apparently infiltrated many hives, leading to Divine intemperance and retribution (at least in America). The Muslim-infected hives are distinctive for the breaks taken five times a day by the worker bees. In the Jewish hives, there is an overabundance of queens and way too many princesses, and, in addition, a strange sub-species, Apis mellifera shabbos goyim, which apparently work only on Friday night into Saturday, when the usual bees have the day off.

Or this alternative theory may be wrong, and DeRisi is on to something. It would depend on "facts," which may or may not be relevant between now and at least January 21, 2009. I don't know where DeRisi's work leads if he's right, but I hope he shakes off the resentment and turf-warfare and makes a beeline for the answer.