As Other Options Close, Hillary Seeks Elimination of Basic Laws of Mathematics

Indianapolis (AP) - Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) admitted to some concern today about her deteriorating chances for overtaking Barack Obama, although her face appeared calm and relaxed as she announced her latest initiative (insiders, speaking on condition of anonymity because Hillary would kill them if she found out, indicated that she is no longer able to move any muscle group above her neck). Mrs. Clinton indicated that in light of the uselessness of even the "nuclear option" (her previously preferred route of cheating by including the votes of Michigan and Florida, despite an explicit agreement to forgo their inclusion), she would seek the repeal of the basic laws of mathematics.

"Addition, subtraction, multiplication and division need to go first," she said, referring to the four basic math operations. "I represent the American people, not a bunch of egghead professors or elitists who use 'theories' and 'concepts.' My campaign is about kitchen table issues that affect real folks, and if that means championing them instead of a bunch of dead Greeks and Arabs, then so be it."

Academics in the mathematical fields were stunned. "We need math," said Dr. Samuel Linworth, Professor of Applied Mathematics at Pasadena's Cal Tech. "Without it, it's really hard to do something like count or keep track of anything. I don't think we could have gotten to the moon without calculating stuff."

Other professionals who rely on math concurred. "I think it's a bad idea," said Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke. "If we can't count, then we don't even know how much money we have or whether we need more."

Senator Clinton was unmoved by these criticisms, which she deemed "the usual sniping from the groves of academe." "I'm not in this thing to make life nicer for those who already have so much, who have money they have the luxury of counting. The people counting on me to take this thing all the way to the White House aren't concerned with stuff like 'sums' or 'difference' or, God knows, 'subtrahends.'"

Even Bill Clinton seemed perplexed by his wife's sudden decision to eliminate arithmetic, but he quickly recovered and rallied to her defense. "What the folks in the media just don't get is how much my wife wants to serve this country, and how determined she is to win this thing for the people. If that means doing away with counting delegates, or counting anything else, for that matter, then so be it. It's just a good ol' fashioned fight to the finish."

Political observers said that Clinton's novel approach to winning the nomination would leave the Democrats at the convention in August unable to tell who won. Hillary had a quick rejoinder to this criticism: "Then I win," she said. It also promised to alleviate her campaign's mounting financial difficulties.

"No one can say I owe them money," she crowed. "Let 'em try. I'll just say, 'how much?'."