Cockroaches for McCain

Insects of the order Blattaria have apparently formed a 527 organization to purchase ads for the underfunded presidential campaign of John S. McCain, Republican.  Working with a worldwide network of other species of cockroach, the American branch, consisting of Periplaneta americana, have reached across international boundaries to join forces with a German group, Blattella germanica and two Asian cockroach activist organizations, Blattella asahinai and Blatta orientalis. 

We caught up with the leader of the American chapter, Hal Roach, as he emerged from a foraging expedition beneath a kitchen sink in Plano, Texas.  He agreed to answer a few questions on the record.

Waldenswimmer:  Hal, what's up with the insect PAC?  What motivated you?

Roach: Wally, the thing is that McCain has really fired up the base, and when I say base, I'm talking baseboard.  This selection of Sarah Palin was pure genius.

WS:  How so? Have you heard her talk?  She's hopelessly inexperienced and unqualified.

Roach:  And your point is?  No, look.  We've enjoyed our time with you on Earth, we really have. I mean, you treat us like low life, but in general we've got a good thing going with you.  You're wasteful, sloppy, you throw tons of stuff away, which is right up our alley, and when I say alley...

WS:  Yeah, I get it.  None of that's likely to change, is it?  Why the partisanship?

Roach:  It's our shot, that's all.  Why don't we just let it go at that?

WS:  You're being awfully mysterious.

Roach:  I'm a cockroach, Dude.  We own the night.

WS:  Still, I'm not following.

Roach:  (sighs [I think -WS])  Look, you've come close before.  Reagan, W. Bush.  I mean, Bush. That was hilarious.  But he was actually pretty good natured.  He only demolished countries that couldn't fight back.  There was no future in that.  What I mean is, there was a future in that. He wanted to be Vladimir Putin's pal, at the ranch, up in Maine.  They carried on like a couple of school buddies.

WS:  Really?

Roach:  I was there, Dude.  Terrrific garbage, by the way.  So us Blattarians had just about given up hope for a nuclear war.  Then...magic.  The Republicans nominate an angry ex-pilot with a short life expectancy and he picks this End Times cupcake.  And the next thing you know they're both talking out loud about a war with Russia.  And you know what that means?  

WS:  Radiation.

Roach:  Bingo.  Fiesta Periplaneta, baby.

WS:  It's a myth you'd survive.

Roach:  Don't you wish, Dude.  No, it's the real deal.  It's because we only do mitosis when we molt, which is about once a week, and that's when the radiation can get to you.  So a lot of us will buy it.  But it's a numbers game, man, and numbers we got.  We won't all be molting at the same time.

WS:  You've given this a lot of thought.

Roach:  It's a serious issue.  Life and death, something you guys never think about.  Hey, you know the difference between a hockey mom and a cockroach?

WS:  I don't feel like joking around.

Roach:  Sorry, man.

WS:  Why did you come up with something this...evil, Hal?

Roach:  Us?  Who came up with Terminix, Dude?  Give me a frigging break.

WS:  So that's it, huh?  No talking you out of it?

Roach:  'Fraid not.  Listen, I gotta skitter.  Buncha battleground states to hit.

WS:  Your own Southern Strategy?

Roach:  Prime cockroach country, Dude.

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(with thanks to Dan D.)