(Inspired by breathless reporting on CNN & other cable news outlets.)
Q: Will everyone die?
A: Unfortunately, no. The best we can currently hope for is massive social dislocation and panic, and maybe a few thousand deaths. "A few thousand deaths" represent a rounding error unless they're caused by Arabs in hijacked airplanes. Then the world must be changed completely to deal with the attack. Even the Spanish flu of 1918 and the Plague of the Middle Ages failed to kill everyone, so this swine flu is likely to disappoint. "Pandemic," however, is a cool word.
Q: Is swine flu a conservative or liberal issue?
A: Technically, it's a health issue, but we understand where you're coming from. Efforts to deal with it through, say, medicine make it a liberal cause, because of the science involved. However, it also has conservative bona fides in the sense that Mexican illegals can be blamed and hopefully shot by border vigilantes, particularly if the killings occur midday in time for the evening news cycle. Swine flu may also be a sign of End Times in which case conservatives may argue against dealing with it at all based on the idea it's God's will. See, response to global warming.
Q: Why did pigs give it to us?
A: I'm surprised you have to ask. Have you seen what we've done to them? The average pig is smarter than the family dog and realizes he's being bred as a side dish for scrambled eggs. We're actually getting off pretty easy.
Q: How will we decide who gets Tamiflu and Relenza, the anti-viral drugs?
A: In the United States the life-saving drugs will be allocated based on how much money you have. Poor people can use aspirin and Nyquil, if they can find a place to steal it.
Q: Why won't Republicans let us have a Secretary of Health & Human Services? Wouldn't that be a good thing to have during a pandemic?
A: Probably, yes, but the idea of having a Cabinet-level person to direct an all-out effort to deal with the crisis must be balanced against Governor Sebelius's known preference for compliance with federal law in the form of Roe vs. Wade. Understandably, this has upset Republicans who thought the Constitution was revoked in January, 2001.
Q: What's up with a virus that's part bird, part pig and part human? Isn't that kind of freaky Frankenstein stuff?
A: We think so. Also, an excellent metaphor for modern times.
Q. If Bush and Cheney were in charge, would this swine flu thing have happened?
ReplyDeleteA. Of course not. Cheney would have sent the CIA down to Vera Cruz to torture that Edgar kid until he stopped coughing.