January 26, 2010

If the Senate Democrats were an athletic team...

(In the spirit of the old Mad Magazine. Imagine drawings by Mort Drucker. Alas, I'm no Larry Siegel.)

SCENE: Locker room, halftime. Coach Harry Reid is finishing up his pep talk to the Senate Dems, an NBA franchise.

Coach Reid: I just want you guys to know how proud I am of each and every one of you. We came so close...

Dodd (power forward): Coach! We can still win this thing!

Coach Reid (sadly, patiently): No. No, we can't.

Bayh (two-guard): We're up 59-41, Coach!

Coach Reid: I know. That's the problem. This game is lost. But we gave it a shot, and that's all I've ever asked of you guys.

Schumer (point guard, hanging head, forearms on knees): It's because I missed that free throw at the end of the half, isn't it Coach?

Coach Reid: Chuckie, I'm not going to lie to you and say that helped. But it was Hatch hitting that fall-away three that sealed it. If only it could have been 60-40! Now -- the game is over.

Tester (center): Should we even play the second half? With only this 18-point lead?

Coach Reid: Damn right we will! And don't leave anything on the floor, fellas! We don't have a chance, defeat is certain, but let's make this loss one to remember. Now get out there and lose like men!

SCENE: RFK Stadium. The Washington Democrats have the ball on the 9-yard line of the D.C. Repubs. 4th quarter, 5:53 left to go in the game. The Dems huddle up.

QB Max Baucus (in huddle): Okay, guys. This is it. We're up 59-41, first and goal. This is the moment we've been waiting for. We've got to punt.

Casey (WR): Punt? What for? Let's punch it in!

Baucus: Coach Reid has sent in the play. Hasn't he, Nelson?

Nelson (TE) (glumly): Yeah, Max. We've got to punt.

Durbin (HB): I don't think Franken can even hit the coffin corner from here! He'll be kicking from the 20-yard line. What do we got to lose?

Baucus: The game, Dick. Let's stop kidding ourselves. We're going to kick, then they're going to score two quick touchdowns, recover a bunch of onside kicks, make two two-point conversions, kick a field goal, and win this thing. It's good as done.

Merkley (RG): We gave it a shot, though, didn't we, Max? If Lieberman hadn't run the wrong way on that play...

Baucus: You're darn right we gave it a shot, Jeff! Now let's kick it away, roll over and let this game get away from us! I'm so damn proud of you guys!

(Fade out.)

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous2:11 AM

    Edmund Burke was a CONSERVATIVE, and he wouldn't even consider a Communist like you worth pissing on.

    Where do you get off including a quotation by Burke in this piece of virtual rubbish that you call a blog?

    Your "O Man" thinks of white people as a money tree that he should be able to shake any time that he wants.

    So keep giving till it hurts, asshole!