June 08, 2010

My Mash Note to Sarah Palin

Dear Sarah,

First, I don't think I've written much about you at all on my blog. It's not that I haven't been thinking about you, because I have. You're very much in my thoughts. For example, I've found the "Delete Blog" command on my Blogger Dashboard, and that's really all about you. Hey, don't jump to conclusions, Sally. If you were President, who needs to write one of these silly things? Not me! So let's say it's shortly after election day, November, 2012, and this blog just sort of disappears. Is that cowardice? Heck no. Is it because I would consider my work done? You betcha!

Blogs are dumb. They're written out of frustration, megalomania, ego, despair, all kinds of reasons. They're an expression of Free Speech rights, but as we all know, people can get carried away with such liberties and play right into the hands of America's Enemies. We're at war, all over the place. With Terrorists, of course, and Iran and North Korea and the Liberal Media and the ACLU and the Democrat Party and...hell, you tell me. It's a jungle out there. This place shouldn't be run by a Community Organizer. A helicopter moose hunter is more like it, someone who isn't squeamish about getting elbow-deep in the gore of a gut-shot caribou as she field dresses it during a blizzard. You think those Muslims won't think about that one? Heh-heh. I know I will.

Though I'll be keeping my thoughts to myself. I'll just ogle your legs. You have nice legs, Sarah, the best of any female Presidential candidate so far. I know you're thinkin': damned by faint praise. Well, you wouldn't say it like that. You'd say, gimme a break, Dude! But what I mean is, a lot of these ancient horndogs, like Rush and John McCain and Bill Kristol, just have a lech for you, they think you're really cute and everything, but do they really respect you? I mean, like I do? I think they're condescending, frankly, and that's strictly entre-nous. That means "between us" in Frenchie, not that anyone should care how French people talk, and I'm not parading my education or anything, though perhaps it's a little superior and maybe more settled than yours, which, as I understand things, was undertaken at about 23 different undergraduate institutions. On the other hand, was I ever the Governor of Alaska? Who's got better legs, me or you? That's what I'm talking about.

Not writing the blog anymore after you're elected won't bother me. My guess is that I'll have other things on my mind. I'll be building a nuclear fallout shelter, for one thing, so I hope you'll urge all Americans to do the same so I don't look, you know, paranoid. But since everyone will be walking around with automatic weapons and wearing camo, I'm not sure paranoia will even mean much when you're in charge. I'll just need enough armament to keep people from siphoning the gas from my Humvee, that's all. I'm not going to get carried away.

Did I mention I think you're cute? Okay, covered that. Beyond that opinion (and it's sincere, Sarah, I mean it), I confess to having a little trouble concerning just what you and the Tea Party are really about, you know? The funny feeling I have is that you're so worried about your Freedoms that we're not going to be able to do a lot of the things we currently take for granted. Kind of paradoxical, huh? To use one of those Obama words. And it's ironic that what will make your Presidency possible at all is that things have gotten so bad. Ain't people just the livin' end sometimes? Oh sure, a lot of people will liken the coming of the Tea Party, and you as Number 45, to the rise of the Third Reich, a desperation movement for a humiliated people out of work, broke, foreclosed, threatened and with a pervasive sense of grievance against....shit, everybody. I don't see it. For example, did you ever see the bandy legs on that little Chaplin-mustached knucklehead? Not in your league, Sally.

So it's all good. I understand it, really I do. Someday, around 2014 or so, depending on where I am and everything, I'm going to wish we hadn't had to go quite so far to try to make things Right, that maybe it would have been better if the old style pols had pulled off an American turnaround using what we might think of then, looking back, as "traditional methods." But as you would say -- coulda, woulda, shoulda. You would say that, right? Oh I remember - you betcha!

Love & kisses,


  1. hammerud3:25 PM

    Regarding Sarah, you write, "I confess to having a little trouble concerning just what you and the Tea Party are really about." From my perspective, as one who supports the movement, is that it is about limiting the power of government, having a balanced budget, respecting the Constitution, and encouraging free market capitalism as opposed to socialism.

  2. Machipongo John3:35 PM

    Damn, she does look good in those Naughty Monkeys.