Cheney-Satan '08

Turgidson:
Mr. President, there are one or two points I'd like to make, if I may.

Muffley:
Go ahead, General.

Turgidson:
One, our hopes for recalling the 843rd bomb wing are quickly being reduced to a very low order of probability. Two, in less than fifteen minutes from now the Russkies will be making radar contact with the planes. Three, when they do, they are going to go absolutely ape, and they're gonna strike back with everything they've got. Four, if prior to this time, we have done nothing further to suppress their retaliatory capabilities, we will suffer virtual annihilation. Now, five, if on the other hand, we were to immediately launch an all out and coordinated attack on all their airfields and missile bases we'd stand a damn good chance of catching 'em with their pants down. Hell, we got a five to one missile superiority as it is. We could easily assign three missiles to every target, and still have a very effective reserve force for any other contingency. Now, six, an unofficial study which we undertook of this eventuality, indicated that we would destroy ninety percent of their nuclear capabilities. We would therefore prevail, and suffer only modest and acceptable civilian casualties from their remaining force which would be badly damaged and uncoordinated.

Muffley:
General, it is the avowed policy of our country never to strike first with nuclear weapons.

Turgidson:
Well, Mr. President, I would say that General Ripper has already invalidated that policy. (laughs)

Maybe, at this point, we're going about this all wrong. Reports are that Dick Cheney is running an alt-presidency of a kind that General Turgidson, as depicted in George C. Scott's peerless performance in "Dr. Strangelove," could have understood and gotten behind. Cheney is trying to provoke an attack against Iran, and anyone else who looks at us funny, in order to narrow George W. Muffley's range of choices. So the rumors have it. W has gotten soft in the autumn of his presidency. He's gone all diplomatic, coddling these psycho nut cases in Iran and North Korea with international "sanctions" and the rest of it. What crap. "Dick" Cheney, like "Buck" Turgidson, knows there comes a time when you've done so much damage, provoked so much ill will, stirred up so much resentment, when the gale force winds of blowback flatten all other possibilities -- when that moment arrives, you have but one option left. Total war.

Let's face it. There is no effective opposition to our warmongering leadership. The world hates our guts, anyway. Long ago the Congress, in its weakness, gave away its war power under the Constitution. The Go Code was assigned to the President, while Congress took a backseat, demoting its Constitutional prerogatives to a statutory War Powers Act. They didn't have to; they wanted to. It was a recognition that since December 8, 1941, Congress has been afraid to declare a war of its own. And once you're in, you can't get out. The money has to keep flowing to the "troops." Or you "abandon" them.

So why do we even need a Congress? Wouldn't a cashier work as well? One guy or gal with a green eye shade and a check book. And one collection agency for taxes - how's that for privatizing? Everything else could be military. 100% of the budget. We'll need it, once we start going to war with everyone. We can't back down now. They'll follow us home, and attack my children, yours, and David Gregory's.

In 2008 Cheney could finally have a running mate worthy of his noble purpose. Read Milton's "Paradise Lost" or "The Year the Yankees Lost the Pennant" if you think I'm kidding. Ol' Scratch is a charming, seductive character, and God knew it. He sent him to Hell probably because Beelzebub threatened his mastery over the Heavens. Satan is devilishly clever, funny, and sharp as the tines on that pitch fork. He would be a huge improvement over the dead weight Cheney currently lugs around. Then with a declaration of martial law under the Insurrection Act (thanks to the foresight of Sen. John Warner's amendment snuck into the military appropriations act last year) and we can finally get rid of all this tiresome dissent. This "blogging" from the Left Wing Blogistan, this Fifth Column for the terrorists. When those in power are right, when they have the perspective of eternity (thanks to the added insights which the Devil will bring to the West Wing), we don't need free speech. By definition you only need free speech when policy correctives are necessary. And we all know how America loves a comeback story. Could anyone top this one? Arising from the darkest depths of the Inferno, from being the most reviled character in history, to a position of supreme power? (I'm referring to Satan.)

Dick Cheney and Satan in 2008. Let's give Hell a chance.